anne_mikolay_2012_120Hurry! Father’s Day is June 16th! Grab that 20% discount coupon and race over to Kohls to buy dad another tie or more argyle socks. Or how about some Hanes underwear or a Fred MacMurry sweater? (If you don’t know what that is, you’re not as old as I am!) If your dad still hasn’t found an occasion to wear the accessories you gave him last year, maybe it’s time to kick it up a notch and apply a little creativity to your gifting.

If your father is stuck in the past, clinging to his 1970s leisure suits, give him a makeover for Father’s Day! Turn him into a fashionista; buy him a pair of mantyhose. Yes! You heard me correctly. Mantyhose. And yes! Mantyhose, available in varying colors and sizes, is exactly what it sounds like: pantyhose for men.

Mantyhose are all the rage with fashion forward, metropolitan men in Europe and the United States – allegedly. quoted mantyhose designer Lisa Cavallini: “It’s definitely become a trend for men in Europe. It’s fun for them to wear, and you can see the color and patterns standing out [from] their shoes…They wear the tights with shorts, under jeans that have holes, under pants to stay warm in colder climates, or just to lounge around.”

If you’re interested (seriously?), mantyhose can be purchased for $40.00 a pair on

Your dad’s not “metropolitan” enough for mantyhose (what suburban dad is?)  and doesn’t own a pair of jeans, with or without holes? No problem! You can still work your makeover magic and make sure your dad is perfectly coiffed. Instantly eliminate his comb-over with an inflatable toupee (less than $5.00) or a tattooed toupee known as a tattoupee (less than $10.00), both available on the appropriately named What if your father is so bald he reflects the sun? No problem there either! A mere $5.53 buys a spray can of Jerome Russell hair color thickening spray on (or save yourself a few dollars and make your dad more colorful at the same time: just buy a can of spray paint in your dad’s hair color).

Does your pop spend more time watching Hillbilly Handfishin than he does looking in the mirror? Do you need to present ID when purchasing his favorite beverage? If so, help him camouflage his drink of choice with hide-a-beer-can wraps, fake soda can wrappers that enable more discrete alcohol consumption. Available on – naturally.

What if your father isn’t just over the hill but has lost sight of the hill completely? Perhaps, then, a jar of Tired Old Ass Soak revitalizing mineral bath by Little Moon Essentials (on for $22.99) is in order. For a few dollars more, you can present dad with a Tired Old Ass Survival kit, including cream/lotion, soak and salve, and tired old ass splash (I kid you not!) also available on for “weary bodies of the world.”

All kidding aside, whether you’re looking for the avant-garde or the traditional father’s day gift, the most important thing you can give your dad is your appreciation. Be sure to thank him for all he has done and continues to do for you. Throw your arms around him and plant a big kiss on his cheek simply because he’s your dad and he deserves it.

(Personal note to my father, who happens to be the best dad in the world: don’t worry! You will not be receiving mantyhose, spray-on hair, or Tired Old Ass Soak for Father’s Day!)

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Anne Mikolay

Anne Mikolay

Anne M. Mikolay joined The Atlantic Highlands Herald as a columnist in 2008. Prior to penning “The Armchair Critic,” Anne wrote feature articles for The Monmouth Journal. Her work has appeared in national...