anne_mikolay_2012_120Here’s what I want to know:

Why did AT&T send me a bill for a measly fifteen cents?

Why is Jim Parsons’ (Big Bang Theory, CBS) sexual preference headline news? He is an excellent actor, seems to be a nice guy. That should be all that matters.

How many television singing contests do we need?

And why is American Idol still around? How many Idols are television producers going to shove down our throats? Been there, done that! (Who said screaming is singing anyway?)

Why doesn’t Howard Stern get a haircut? Middle aged hippies are not appealing.

Why do guys wear eyeliner and nail polish?

Why do some parents think positioning little, yellow plastic men stamped “Kids at Play” near their driveways absolves them of the responsibility of watching their kids?

Why is Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister hawking Stanley Steemer on television, ditto Jon Bon Jovi and pain reliever? Are rock stars’ usual paychecks not hefty enough?

Why is there dog hair on my computer keyboard?

If the package says “Easy Open Re-sealable Bag,” why can’t I get it open? And why won’t it reseal?

Does the bees’ nest in the corner of my garage designate my property a “bee farm,” thereby qualifying for a tax exemption (like Bon Jovi’s bee farm)?

How on earth could President Obama think his new immigration policy will favorably impact the United States? (Obama should read Atlantic Highlands Herald column “The Populist Approach” this week for a more realistic, intelligent take on the issue.)

Was there any doubt Jerry Sandusky would be convicted?

Why is it drivers do not realize if their monster truck does not fit into the parking space they should not park there?

Why did it take me a full year to master crocheting a granny square?

Why is there dog hair on my granny square?

Why don’t adolescents know how to do the dishes?

If I purchased two pair of the same style jeans, why is one pair bigger than the other?

Why do women grocery shop while having lengthy, loud personal cell phone conversations?

Why do people leave their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle and walk away? And why do women leave their pocketbooks in the cart?

Why was there a small child kicking and screaming in the thrift shop with no parent or guardian in sight? Did she drive herself there?

Am I the only one who thinks Jimmy Fallon’s Capital One commercials with the baby in the highchair are not funny?

Why would a beach town like Asbury Park enforce an ordinance banning bathing suits on the boardwalk?

Why is there dog hair on my beach towel?

Here are a few more questions to ponder (answers provided by

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

It does, as soon as it’s dry. That’s why you can’t get dry glue out of the bottle.

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

No, I can’t.

What’s another word for thesaurus?


Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

No, and neither should anyone else — have you seen the ingredient list?!

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Only if another personality calls for help.

Is there another word for synonym?

Yes — check your thesaurus.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Yes, but it is accurate.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

No, they’re afraid George Michael will try to sneak in.

If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Neither; he’s dead.

Here’s a few more:

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?

To find the answers, go to Enjoy!

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Anne Mikolay

Anne Mikolay

Anne M. Mikolay joined The Atlantic Highlands Herald as a columnist in 2008. Prior to penning “The Armchair Critic,” Anne wrote feature articles for The Monmouth Journal. Her work has appeared in national...