Per our annual custom, we hereby submit predictions of what could happen (or, in some cases, should happen) during the New Year. They are listed in no particular order of importance.
Senators Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a joint press conference in which each makes so much nice-talk about the other that ten attending newsmen are overcome with nausea. The event ends when Mrs. Clinton can no longer speak because her face has seized up in a plastic smile. Corrective surgery leaves her with a permanent scowl which doctors say cannot be corrected.
On a Roll.House Speaker Nancy Pelosi awakes to find that her Capitol Hill residence has been "rolled" during the night by parties unknown. Metropolitan police fail to find a suspect. Calling the incident an "environmental crime", Mrs. Pelosi offers to donate the TP to homeless people.
Hot Stuff.Former Vice President Al Gore’s limousine gets stuck in a blizzard en route to a global warming conference. Mr. Gore and his driver, plus two female assistants, are stranded in the limo for 24 hours. Mrs. Gore files for divorce, and Al Gore names George W. Bush as a causative party on grounds that he caused the blizzard by not signing the Koyoto treaty.
Really Hot.The problem of North Korea’s nuclear arms capability is unexpectedly resolved when a massive nuclear explosion occurs at a nuclear facility outside Pyongyang. Seismologists estimate the blast at 10 megatons. Military buildings within 10 miles of the blast – which experts believe housed all existing NKVD nuclear weapons – are destroyed. The fate of Dear Leader Kim Jong Il is unknown, but Netflix reports his movie-rental account inactive since the event.
Swinging.President George W. Bush announces he will become a Democrat in order to facilitate passage of his immigration reform bill. But DNC Chairman Howard Dean refuses to accept Mr. Bush’s application. "Without principles, you’re nowhere," screams Mr. Dean. "Some things just can’t be." He petitions the World Court to prosecute Mr. Bush as a war criminal.
Dueling Leaders.Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez challenges Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to a duel after she criticizes one of his controversial speeches. Miss Rice accepts, but chooses nurf-balls at twenty paces as the weapons. Señor Chavez withdraws the challenge but instead suggests a trash-talking contest adjudicated by Mad Magazine. (Miss Rice declines.)
Arab Drag.Terrorist mastermind and Al Qaida leader Osama Bin Laden is arrested at The Funky Terrorist, a clothing store in Greenwich Village, Manhattan. Neighbors say "The Big O" (as he is known locally) opened the shop in late 2003. Mr. Bin Laden is charged with operating a business without a license. Islamist radicals protest the arrest by bombing the New York clothing district.
Foley Folies.Former Congressman Mark Foley becomes an exotic dancer at the Folies Bergere where he meets a Harvard professor whom he later marries in Boston.
Loony Toons.Muhammad’s image is spray-painted on the Arc d’Triomphe in Paris. Muslims are enraged because the Prophet is depicted in gangsta clothing, wearing a handlebar moustache. Islamic mobs destroy most of Paris and the French Riviera, causing $85 billion in damage. An out-of-work building contractor is later accused of drawing the image.
Religious Rap.Mega-church guru Rick Warren mandates hip-hop as the new "contemporary music" at his church, causing thousands of members to defect. The church collapses and files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. In an interview with Larry King, The Rev. Warren pleads for members to return and accept his authority on rap music, which he calls "the authentic voice of the street".
Sporting News (Crossover I).Low-ranking male golfers from the PGA Tour sue the Ladies’ PGA for discrimination, arguing that they should be allowed to participate in LPGA tournaments since the PGA has allowed women to compete in their events. The 9th District Court of Appeals agrees. Men enter and win nine of ten LPGA tournaments and 46 of the top 50 purses.
Sporting News (Crossover II).
The Women’s NBA cancels its 2007-’08 season after the ACLU threatens to bring a discrimination suit similar to the one which gender-integrated the LPGA. When top tennis stars testify before Congress for legislation to undo the court’s LPGA ruling, five congressmen and two senators ask Maria Sharapova for dates in return for their votes.
Religious Diversity.At its annual meeting in May, the National Association of Giant Retailers (NAGR) decides to emphasize Ramadan instead of Christmas for the 2007 holiday season. The diversity attempt bombs (so to speak) when Islamic fanatics blow up four Wal-mart stores for inventing a goatskin-clad Father Muhammed figure with long white beard and turban. Shoppers sit on their hands, and holiday sales drop to 20% of 2006 levels. The stock market crashes and a national recession ensues in which 1500 retail stores close, including three national chains.
Who is he, really?Bloggers discover that Senator Barak Obama’s smile actually shows forty-four teeth. The Roswell Society accuses him of being an alien, and opponents create an anti-Obama web-site, Stopaliensnow.com. Blogs also claim that Mr. Obama changed his middle name from "Osama" to "Hussein" in 1993 because his old initials (BOO) were not politically viable.
Excellent Stuff.Former DC Mayor Marion Barry announces a run for the presidency as a candidate of the newly formed Tijuana Gold Party. The party’s platform advocates completely legalized drugs, a guaranteed annual income of $200,000 for all residents (including children), open borders, and automatic citizenship for anyone entering the country.
Scary Dude.Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward declares Newt Gingrich the "scariest man in America" and publishes interviews with (now-dead) Ku Klux Klan members who claim the former Speaker of the House was a Klan Imperial Wizard in 1965.
Sporting News (Return of the Hulk).Baseball steroid king Barry Bonds is cast in the title role of a revival of "The Incredible Hulk". Actor Eddie Murphy plays the un-transmogrified Dr. David Banner in the new Mel Gibson film.