woody_zimmerman_118_2007I cannot disclose how the following came into my hands. My lips are sealed. If I should unaccountably disappear, my editor has instructions to publish the source. (WZ)

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November 24, 2009

TO: Tiger Woods (greatest golfer ever)

FROM: Barack H. Obama (greatest president ever)

SUBJ: Emergency diversion needed

Yo! Tig! You may have noticed that we have a small problem with Cap-and-trade. In case you missed that train, that’s the legislation I want to ram through the Senate as soon as they’ve “reformed” health care. Cap-and-trade will supposedly stop global warming by restricting and taxing the emission of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. You’re an outdoors kind of guy, so I know you’ll want that climate-control legislation to pass so you won’t have to end up playing golf in your skivvies.

I say “supposedly stop warming” because I have no idea if carbon dioxide really causes warming of the climate, or whether not breathing will stop it. I don’t know from diddly about science and all that “green” stuff . But Al Gore has made a pretty nice living blasting around the world in a private jet, preaching that the polar ice is going to melt, the polar bears are going to die, and the earth is going to fry, unless we stop driving cars and flying airplanes, etc. (He won the Nobel Peace Prize and a freakin’ Academy Award, for cryin’ out loud! It’s outrageous! He’s worth a hundred million bucks, and he’s just a has-been vice-president who lost to George Bush!)

Some scientists agree with Al’s global warming shtick, but an awful lot of them seem to be on the government gravy train – living off grants for studying global warming and climate change in various ways. I suspect they would write papers supporting a flat earth if it looked like there was some government grant-money in it. Me? I’m interested in the green thing because I like the endless taxes it will produce for my “fundamentally transformed” America. (Don’t worry, Tig, you’ll still be making big bucks hitting a small white ball around green fairways. We’ll work something out. Trust me on this.)

All this is just background for you, in case you haven’t kept up with the warming “science.” If you have, you’ll already know that a few very inconvenient hacked e-mails – OK, it was about 161 megabytes (100,000+ pages worth) – were released into the public domain during the past week. The e-mails were messages between global warming “scientists” at East Anglia University in Great Britain – a major climate research center. Most of its egghead climatologists are solidly in the man-caused-warming camp.

The purloined e-mails show how Ph-doctors have been cooking and even faking world-temperature data over the last decade to keep up the global warming “skeer.” They had to do this because world temps haven’t gone up during that time. In fact, temperatures have been in free-fall over the last five years. (They’re having snow in places like Israel, for heaven’s sake. Who’s running this thing?) This has caused enough panic in Al Gore’s camp to produce some very “creative” statistics, as well as corruption of the scientific “peer review” process. The whole thing makes an old Chicago community organizer proud.

Really, I have to admit that it cracks me up to think how panicked Al must be, as he sees his life as a Hollywood impresario – with all those starlets throwing their hotel keys at him – passing before his eyes. The whole thing could crash completely. Ah well – sic transit gloria mundi. (Pretty neat, eh? That’s Latin – something like Ebonics. I learned it in law school. It means doo-doo happens.)

But I digress. As amusing as it is to watch Al squirm (or hide out, actually), the leaked e-mails are a real pain in the patootie. We really do want the cap-and-trade bill to pass. Our friends at the big media-organs like the New York Times and Washington Post have done their best to smother the story, but internet bloggers and Fox News are all over it like a cheap suit. (Something you’ll never see me in.) The thing is out of control. We’ve got to stop it before our useful idiots in the media realize that there’s a real scandal here with the… er… “massaged” data. If we don’t get their attention diverted, the whole global warming scam might go down the toilet – along with the cap-and-trade bill. That would not be good.

Rahm and the guys suggested another foreign crisis or a Hollywood death as a diversion, but they stalled on who could be bombed or which third-rate actor could be wasted to get all the reporters running down blind alleys after the story. There was a half-hearted suggestion that we leak a report about Mozambique building a neutron bomb, but we just couldn’t find a credible Mozambiqui scientist – let alone a nuclear scientist. The short list produced no starlets willing to give it up – i.e., “sleep with the fishes,” as Rahm likes to put it – for Obama. A drive-by shooting just seemed a little too over-the-top right now. Some of those sharpies at Fox seem to be catching onto the “convenient death” strategy.

This brings us to you, Tig. (Relax, nobody’s going to waste you – not intentionally, at least.) One of the guys came up with the idea of having a famous sports figure get in some kind of domestic spat and maybe crash his car. It was decided that it should be someone whose rep was pretty much squeaky clean, to make the domestic angle more salacious – maybe a sex scandal or something. A wee-hours car crash was the consensus, and your name came up. The racial angle – since you’re married to a white woman – was additionally attractive. (All you have to do is mention race and the Mainstream Media are after the story like a pack of Louisiana bloodhounds. Is this a great country, or what?)

Either the Rahmster or Bruno (one of Rahm’s guys) will contact you to arrange the details and direct you on how to keep the thing stirred up as the “obsessed media” take over. Your wife might get upset during this phase, as the reporters will show no mercy. (Women always get rattled by these things. They just don’t understand the live-on-the-razor’s-edge, laugh-in-the-face-of-death world of White House politics.)

Naturally, your car will get banged up, but hopefully you won’t be badly hurt. Of course, we can’t reimburse you for any damages, but I know you can afford it. (By the way, Bruno and the guys will see to it that the “accident” happens, just in case you get cold feet.)

We know you won’t let us down, Tig. Good luck on your next tournament.

Yours for a transformed America,

Bar