As is our custom at the turn of the year we offer, in no particular order, a few predictions of events that could (and probably should) occur in the New Year. (The Writers’ Auxiliary generously furnishes fainting couches at several locations for politically sensitive readers.)
The Bear Necessities. On a tour of Arctic regions to document the dire effects of climate-warming on the polar bear population, Al Gore’s research party is attacked by a pack of enraged bears. The bears drag several members of the group away to an unknown fate, while armed colleagues narrowly spirit Mr. Gore to safety as he continues to shout, “We’re your friends!” at the rampaging bears. In a subsequent TV-interview, an experienced Inuit guide observes, “Bears plenty mad – freezing kiesters off in very cold weather – food scarce…”
A new star’s brief career. Former film director Harvey Weinstein – recently disgraced and fired over numerous sexual harassment allegations – resumes his film-career by forming a porn-flick company called Harv and Friends. “The Harv” (as he is known to his inner circle) intends to star in his new films. But his career is sidetracked when a gang of angry transvestites invade his studios and beat him senseless with their purses, while shouting about discrimination against transgendered people in his new films. “What have those women got that we haven’t?” shouts one of them. After being hospitalized for months by the attack, The Harv announces his retirement. Insiders say he suffered “injuries” which preclude any future film-performances.
Klan Connection. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee (D-FL) is removed from a United Airlines flight after she demands an upgrade to a first class seat. Upon learning Ms. Jackson Lee’s full name, UA security staff escort her from the plane. In an official statement, a United spokesperson claims that other passengers felt “threatened” by Ms. Jackson Lee’s insensitive, double-Confederate name. Reporters later find that the congresswoman is a direct descendant of Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who reputedly founded the Ku Klux Klan in 1869. The outspoken congresswoman has based her colorful, rather controversial career on charging that any opposition she receives, over any issue or action, is inspired by racism. The House of Representatives Sergeant at Arms denies Rep. Jackson Lee entry to the House chamber on an occasion when she arrives dressed in the uniform of a Confederate general.
Can’t keep a good man down! Ex-Senator Al Franken – who resigned from the Senate after numerous charges of sexual misbehavior were brought by women who had worked with and for him – runs off to a Caribbean island with a former exotic dancer who had performed at a strip-club in St. Paul, Minnesota. The dancer – known professionally as Crepe Suzette – is later revealed to be “sight-impaired.” Late-night comics joke that blindness is the only possible reason why any woman would want to be alone – anywhere, at any time – with Al Franken.
Hollywood Intermission. The entire Hollywood film industry shuts down for six months after hundreds of actors, directors, film-techs, best boys, key grips, stunt men and executives – male, female, and other – are charged with sexual misbehavior by thousands of former employees. Numbers of the accused individuals try to emigrate, but are refused entry by Canada, Britain, France, Spain, Cuba, Iran, China, North Korea and Russia. Several new film companies are formed, including one headed by internationally famous minister Rick Warren. The Rev. Billy Graham, who reaches age 100 late in the year, declines to head one of the new companies. Sylvester Stallone heads another new studio named Rambo Films. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) sues former MGM executives for their decades-long mistreatment of the MGM lion, but the suit is dismissed because the lion has been dead for 50 years.
College Scandal. A consortium of college and university professors demand President Trump’s impeachment after reporters release a blockbuster report revealing that he matriculated at Fordham University in the 1960s. The profs are joined by a newly-formed group, Mothers Against Matriculation (MAM), who call for “…an end to such disgraceful behavior by our elected officials.” Senator Schumer (D-NY) denounces Mr. Trump’s “outrageous conduct” from the Senate floor, and reporters who wouldn’t know “matriculation” from “mummification” joyfully pile on. (An informal poll reveals that 80% of college students define “matriculation” in terms too graphic to be repeated in a family newspaper.) Diligent reporters also learn that Mr. Trump attended Fordham while it still bore its original name, the Fordham University of Cultural Knowledge. (The university’s trustees changed the school’s name in 1985 after complaints arose over the old name’s unfortunate acronym.)
Class Action. Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort and 37 other members of the Trump election campaign bring a class-action suit against the Democratic National Committee, the Hillary Clinton Campaign Committee, and ex-spy Christopher Steele for libel due to the infamous Trump Dossier. Investigators had shown that the dossier – jointly funded by the DNC and the Clinton campaign and compiled by Mr. Steele – was a complete fabrication. A trial lasting six months, in which the defendants fail to demonstrate that any part of the dossier is true, produces damages of $255 million for the plaintiffs. The court freezes the defendants’ assets, effectively bankrupting the Democratic Party and forcing it to close its offices for the foreseeable future.
The 12th Imam. Ex-President Barack Hussein Obama reveals that he is actually Islam’s fabled “12th Imam.” Muslims believe he was born in AD 869 and has remained incognito, waiting to emerge as the messiah who will establish the worldwide caliphate, usher in world-peace, and make Islam the ruling faith across the globe. In a stirring (some said “transcendent”) speech to the United Nations General Assembly, His Serene Holiness calls for international concord (or else). During his speech, however, Imam Obama’s limo is ticketed for parking in a fire-lane outside the UN Building. NYC police have the car impounded and towed to a lot where vandals strip it of all saleable parts. After engaging in a shouting match over the towing at a local NYPD precinct, Mr. Obama is arrested for disorderly conduct and held overnight in a precinct cell. In retaliation, Iran’s “Arab Street” erupts in week-long violence, while Muslim rioters torch St. Patrick’s Cathedral and Gracie Mansion. NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio declares Mr. Obama persona non grata in the city and demands his departure before sundown.
Buddy, can you spare a dime? After President Trump orders a naval blockade on North Korea which blocks import of all but the most basic foodstuffs, Dictator Kim Jong Un disappears from public view for several months. Eventually he is found at a San Francisco soup kitchen in a barely recognizable state, having lost 90 pounds. Kitchen officials discover Mr. Jong Un’s identity when they ask him for proof of legal status. Those officials are later jailed for violating San Francisco’s “sanctuary” rules, which prohibit any inquiry about an individual’s residency-status. The former dictator declines repatriation to North Korea, saying the place is “a dump,” where you can’t even get a decent meal of braised asparagus tips and mashed yeast.