In recent years we have neglected our past custom of making outrageous predictions that could (or probably should) occur in the New Year. For my readers’ edification, I present a selected compendium of predictions for 2015.
Gruber’s Meds. Obamacare consultant Jonathan Gruber is placed in protective rehab after it is disclosed that he has been off his tranquilizing medications since the passage of the Affordable Health Care Act in 2010. Doctors claim that his recent ravings about “stupid American voters,” etc., were entirely predictable symptoms of his un-medicated state. Later attempts by reporters to reach Dr. Gruber for comment prove unsuccessful when rehab clinic officials claim that they never heard of him and have no record of his ever being treated at their facilities. Obama administration officials make no comment about Mr. Gruber’s whereabouts or activities. “I’m not sure he was a real person at all,” says Press Secretary Jay Carney.
Making her Bones. Former Internal Revenue Service manager Lois Lerner becomes the first-ever female consiglieri of a mafia family when she joins the Malachi syndicate in South Chicago. Ms. Lerner made headlines by successfully stonewalling a Congressional committee regarding her complicity in blocking applications for tax-exempt status from conservative political groups. She had previously claimed that a few “rogue” employees in a Cincinnati IRS office engineered the “slow-walking” of conservative groups’ applications. Eventually, it is revealed that senior Republican congressmen received anonymous threats of IRS audits unless they stopped pressuring Ms. Lerner about the IRS corruption. One Republican committee chair is said to have received a horse’s head at his Congressional office, but reporters cannot confirm the report. “She’s our kind of gal,” says a Malachi family spokesman.
Interview Head-fake. National Security Agency officials confirm, in mid-2015, that the threat of violence, which Sony Corporation claimed North Korea had issued against theaters daring to show the Sony film, The Interview, was a complete fake. The film was an expensive “comedy-spoof” depicting an assassination-attempt on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. In early December, a huge uproar arose in the USA when Sony executives announced plans to cancel the film’s circulation because of the threats. Although North Korean diplomats vigorously claimed innocence, top US government officials, including President Obama, denounced North Korea’s “criminality” for the threats. Mr. Obama personally urged Sony not to comply. Sony later released The Interview for on-demand television viewing – realizing considerable commercial success due to the publicity derived from the North Korean threat. But anonymous corporate informants eventually disclose that Sony executives devised the bogus threat story as a special marketing strategy for a film that they recognized as a probable box-office “bomb.” Former Attorney General Eric Holder denounces the marketing ploy as “the vilest kind of racism,” but no charges are brought against Sony executives for the deception. The Interview ultimately turns a huge profit for Sony by grossing over $80 million. Critics pan it as one of the worst films ever.
Paleface Squaw. Liberal firebrand Senator Elizabeth Warren – who claimed Native American ancestry to gain a position on the faculty of Harvard University – is kidnapped by a primitive branch of the Osotaw Indian tribe while she is on vacation in the Adirondacks of New York. After an intensive six-month search by the FBI and New York State police, Ms. Warren is found in a remote Osotaw camp, dressed in native costume and living with the chief as his third wife. The senator declines to return to either her Massachusetts home or her Senate office. She issues a public statement in which she says she has found “fulfillment” in a wonderful new life with her ancestral people. She refuses to press charges against her kidnappers, saying that they have treated her very well and she bears no animosity toward them. Her new tribal husband – actually an economics graduate from Yale, class of 1975 – becomes a hot media property after being interviewed by Larry King and Fox News reporter Greta van Susteren. The chief says his new paleface wife is “loads of fun and a terrific cook.” But he adds, “She does talk an awful lot, and some of my braves are getting sick of her ding-donging about women’s rights…” The tribe eventually sends Ms. Warren back to Washington after awarding her the title of “Walking Eagle” – an Osotaw name for a bird that is so full of doo-doo that it can no longer fly.
Fatwah. Islamic members of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) jointly issue a fatwah against President Barack Obama for failing to stop over-production of oil in the USA by users of “fracking” – i.e., hydraulic fracturing. The radical new recovery technique has helped produce a worldwide oversupply of petroleum, driving its price down from $100 to under $55 a barrel in the space of just six months. Some economists and futures-traders claim that Saudi Arabia is trying to drive the fracking industry to the wall by forcing the price of oil below the fracking profitability point. But the Saudis claim that they must pump high volume just to make up for the income they have lost from the depressed price. The result is a severe glut in the world oil-supply. The OPEC fatwah demands that Mr. Obama stop the fracking overproduction or face “dire” (but unspecified) consequences. Having done everything in his power to stop fracking, Mr. Obama ironically finds himself blamed and threatened unless he can stop it.
Not-so-Secret. The Secret Service is again embarrassed when thieves boldly break into the White House and steal most of the first-floor furnishings during a ceremony held for the incoming head of the president’s protective detail. After showing fake credentials and work orders to guards at the White House gates, thieves drive a tractor-trailer up to the mansion’s front entrance, where they proceed to load furniture from the Oval Office, the East Room and the Blue Room. Only the Obamas’ dog, Bo, challenges the thieves, but he is neutralized by a piece of drugged steak. Investigators later reveal that Bo was on a vegetarian diet ordered by Mrs. Obama, making him extra-susceptible to meat-temptation. After this latest lapse, Mr. Obama disbands his Secret Service detail and outsources White House protection to Rent-a-Cop. White House curators estimate the furnishings-loss at over $5 million. National security advisors report no loss of documents from the Oval Office, since the president seldom does any work there.
Eat-in. High school students co-ordinate statewide protests across Connecticut over what leaders call “disgusting” school lunches, by occupying school administrative offices, cafeterias and classrooms, where they order carryout pizza, grill hot dogs, and pig out on cases of soda-pop, candy bars and cookies. At precisely noon, protesters shout in unison from open school windows: “We’re mad as hell and aren’t gonna take it anymore.” At some schools, students strip cafeterias of all foodstuffs included in First Lady Michelle Obama’s Healthy Lunch Initiative, and torching them in huge bonfires set on stadium-fields. Police and fire-fighters sent to schools in riot- and hazmat-gear are surprised to be served hot dogs and snacks by comely cheerleaders. A daylong celebration ensues at numerous schools, as enforcement attempts completely collapse. The mayor of one town is photographed being fed a hot dog by cheerleaders at a healthy food bonfire. White House insiders report a huge food-fight between the president and first lady, later that day, after he issues a statement of “solidarity” with the lunch-protesters and offers to send ribs from Louie’s Restaurant in the Bronx.
Snake-o-rama. A green “primitive” experiment, involving a company of some 100 male and female climate activists, dissolves in pandemonium when at least two dozen female participants run screaming from their encampment and into a nearby town, after repeatedly finding snakes in their bedding and belongings. The primitive colony had agreed to live “naturally” – in dirt-floor grass huts, wearing minimal garments made from plants, and cooking over fires of dried animal-dung – to model the idyllic way humans will live in future, once all industrial activity is banished. Activists believe this is the only way to save the planet from climate catastrophe. But colony-leaders run for their lives – narrowly escaping in their cars – as gangs of enraged women pursue them with clubs, spears, stone axes and other primitive weapons. “I am sick of snakes and the smell of dried @#$#&!” one half-dressed woman screamed at a reporter covering the scene. “I want a bath and a decent meal!” shouted another. “Get me outta this stinkin’ fresh air!”
Happy New Year to my readers. No snakes in your beds, I hope. Celebrate freedom with a cheeseburger and a beer. God bless us all, every one!