Before I hop on this week's soap-box, let me just say, “well done, Penn State!” In last week's column, “A Monument to Deception,” I strongly criticized Penn State for its uncertainty over the future of the Joe Paterno statue located outside Beaver Stadium. The Paterno statue has since been removed; the university has done the right thing. Kudos to Penn State!
Onward now to a lighter topic...
Believe it or not, according to CNN, for the past fifteen years, the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska has been a part-manx cat named Stubbs. Mayor Stubbs, originally voted into office as a write-in candidate when merely a kitten, has remained popular among Talkeetna residents, and with 10,000 or more friends on Facebook, is rapidly becoming an internet celebrity. The New York Daily News reported Talkeetna's 900 residents are perfectly happy with Mayor Stubbs' performance and pay little mind to his Honor's “diva behavior” of drinking water from a wine glass seasoned with catnip. Having a feline mayor might be considered ridiculous, but it opens up a wealth of possibilities for a truly likable, surprisingly qualified third party presidential candidate...my lovable dog, Theodore B. Chihuahua.
Like all politicians, Theodore, aka “Teddy” possesses a healthy ego, and like many presidential candidates, his bark is worse than his bite. Unlike his political constituents, however, the manure Teddy produces is easily disposed of. Teddy's habit of removing currency from peoples' wallets proves he would have little problem balancing the budget. He's also active in the war on drugs and has been known to sniff out medication in handbags. An alert watch-dog by nature, Teddy would secure our borders. As an added bonus, Teddy's bachelor status precludes worry or criticism of a first lady's spending habits. In fact, give Teddy a bed, a bone, a bowl of kibble, and some water, and he's good to go.
Regardless of your political affiliation, Teddy is your perfect candidate. He lives in a traditional home and barks at anyone who tries to hop over the fence; socially conservative Republicans will love him. He strives to please everyone; Democrats will support him, too. Teddy B. Chihuahua is a good looking dog (smooth coat...bright, green eyes...perfect, white teeth) and his vocalizations are irresistible; voters easily swayed by physical appearance or rhetoric will flock to him. Animal rights activists will adore him; he neither eats his peers nor straps them to the roof of the car. Like presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, despite Mexican roots, Teddy considers claiming Mexican heritage “disingenuous”, but there will be no debate over Teddy B. Chihuahua's citizenship. He has papers proving his Kentucky birth. Nobody will ever have to wonder where President Teddy is; the Secret Service can easily follow his activities via his micro-chip. His finances are an open book; Teddy invests only in Nature's Recipe Dog Food and chewable Nylabones. Teddy is a natural born politician; he likes throwing his weight (a hefty eleven pounds) around.
Of course, no politician is without quirks. Thomas Jefferson greeted White House guests while wearing farmer clothes and slippers. John Quincy Adams skinny-dipped in the Potomac River. Ronald Reagan began his day reading comics, especially Spiderman, rather than serious news. Mayor Stubbs drinks water out of a wine glass. And Theodore B. Chihuahua chases people into the bathroom and eats paper towels.
Theodore B. Chihuahua is a canine on the move, and what could be more appropriate in our dog-eat-dog world? If a cat can be mayor, an eleven pound chihuahua can be president. Until someone proposes a better candidate (Republicans and Democrats certainly haven't yet), Theodore B. Chihuahua will do just fine in this circus we live in.