anne_mikolay_2012_120All week long, the Hollywood “fashion police” have been reporting on the worst dressed celebrities on the 2012 Oscar red carpet. This year, among others, Natalie Portman was criticized for pairing a black handbag with a red dress, and Angelina Jolie was lambasted not for her basic black gown, but for striking a leggy pose. Melissa McCarthy, best supporting actress nominee for Bridesmaids, was laughed at for her poorly fitting taupe dress, and Cameron Diaz was singled out for her tan lines. According to the critics, Melissa Leo's outfit was too reminiscent of the 80s, and Lea Thompson's garment resembled something in your grandmother's closet. This very picayune gossip got me thinking. What if the “fashion police” trained their judgmental eyes upon the rest of us? What “fashion don'ts” would Joan Rivers and her cronies find among “regular people”?

Surely Ms. Rivers would have a few choice words to say about the following fashion mis-steps of the “common folk.”

  • Skinny leggings! Regardless of what Heidi Klum says, nobody looks good in skinny leggings. Whether a woman has legs like sticks or watermelons, skinny leggings are a poor choice. Ladies, unless you want to look like Olive Oil or Miss Piggy, steer clear of leggings.

 

  • Track suits! Guys, the 80s are long gone. Put the velour track suits back in the closet with your leisure suits.

 

  • Tight jeans and stiletto heels! Again, unless you're Heidi Klum, pairing jeans and high, high heels does not work, especially for middle-aged women. Ladies, best be  mindful of falling and breaking a hip; put those stilts away!

 

  • Panty lines! Panty lines on women – and metro-sexual men - have been a fashion insult for years. There's nothing further to say on the subject; that last image is quite enough.

 

  • Sagging clothes! Guys, pull up your pants; nobody wants to see your fruit of the loom.

 

  • Too-small clothes! Guys and gals, please wear shirts in the proper size. When you sit down, your tiny shirt rides up your back, subjecting those of us behind you to a revealing, unflattering view of your...assets.

 

  • Dark, unnatural hair color! Ladies and gentlemen, dying your hair the color of charcoal to conceal gray makes you look shockingly older. Nobody's hair is one, stark color, and there's nothing wrong with gray hair anyway!

 

  • Last but not least, black nail polish on women, any kind of nail polish on men, earrings in the tongue or piercings on the face, and giant synthetic flowers in the hair, all of which are cringe-worthy.

 

          If truth be told, despite my criticism, I myself am admittedly a walking fashion faux pas usually seen out and about in my sensible Dr. Scholl shoes, hair in a pony-tail, and my pajama jeans layered in dog hair.

 

          Heavens! What would Joan Rivers say?