Eureka! 2012 is brand new, and I've already made an important self-discovery: I'm beautiful! Who knew?!
Don't laugh! The proof of my claim is in the January 9th, 2012 issue of “In Touch” magazine.
Let me explain.
There I was, sans makeup, tired and cranky, standing in the grocery store check-out line, looking shamefully like the “before” half of one of those “before/after” makeovers when I had an epiphany. Imagine my sheer delight when I saw the cover of the recent issue of “In Touch” that features “100 Stars Without Makeup!” What beleaguered housewife could resist? I grabbed that thing so fast I almost ripped it. As I flipped through the pages and saw all those famous faces looking shamefully like the “before” half of one of those “before/after” makeovers, I laughed aloud, but sensitively tempered my delight later with a bit of sympathy. How embarrassing for these allegedly gorgeous women to be seen in their pale, frumpy, true forms! How enlightening and encouraging for the rest of us!
If you don't have the magazine, allow me to walk you through the au-natural celebrity faces that, to put it bluntly, could stop a clock. The cover features, among others, a sleepy, messy haired Cameron Diaz, a sallow Jessica Biel minus her Revlon mascara which she obviously desperately needs, and a skinny faced Anne Hathaway resembling Beaker, the Muppet, far more than her movie-star persona. The “In Touch” celebrity spread reveals Jennifer Love Hewitt is not quite as alluring as her “Ghost Whisperer” counterpart; Kelly Ripa isn't cute and perky all the time, and contrary to popular belief, Madonna and Diana Ross do look their ages. A closer look at some of the photographs will convince you how difficult it would be to pick out Sharon Osbourne, Tori Spelling, Heather Locklear, Julia Roberts, or Jennifer Lopez (gasp!) in a line-up of soccer moms.
Yes, indeed! There they are in vibrant color...100 of Hollywood's beautiful people with the same skimpy eyelashes, uneven skin tones, blemishes, thin lips, dark circles, unruly hair, and grumpy expressions so familiar to “real” women who don't partake in the lifestyles of the rich and famous, clear proof that a woman's physical beauty depends solely upon her makeup kit, hair extensions, and curling iron. Of course, anyone with an ounce of common sense doesn't need “In Touch” to teach them beauty is only skin deep, but it sure is a hoot to see the evidence in print!
The next time I have a bad hair day or cringe at my pale reflection in the mirror, I will cut myself a break and bolster myself with the thought of all those stunning Hollywood celebrities who wake up looking just as ordinary as me. It logically follows, then, that if I had their stylists, makeup staff, and money, I would be just as physically beautiful as their well painted and perfectly coiffed incarnations - right? Right!
Join me in rejoicing, ladies. Eureka! I'm beautiful, and so are YOU!