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ATLANTIC HIGHLANDS HERALD |
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OUTRAGEOUS PREDICTIONS - 2006 Holding with established tradition, we hereby offer “predictions” (with apologies for any violence to the language) in this space for the New Year. As always, the items are things that could happen, or in some cases should happen. They are listed in no particular order. Here Come de Judge. President Bush is summoned to answer charges before the World Court for causing numerous destructive hurricanes in 2005 by failing to sign and implement the Koyoto Treaty on global warming. Potential charges against Mr. Bush were first suggested when Hurricane Katrina flooded large sections of New Orleans. Copping a Plea. Saddam Hussein beats the rap in his highly publicized trial when his attorney argues that American soldiers failed to advise his client of his rights when they pulled him from his underground hiding place and arrested him in December 2003. The trial judge sets aside the indictment and releases Mr. Hussein. Copping a Plea (II). When Saddam arrives in New York to pursue a new career as the “male answer to Oprah”, New York police arrest him for “environmental crimes” in connection with torching Kuwaiti oil wells in 1991. A New York court convicts him and sentences him to twelve consecutive life-sentences. The Comeback Kid. Bill Clinton opens an institute for political interns in Las Vegas and publishes a new book of advice and counsel for young women wishing to enter politics. Mr. Clinton is charged with sexual harassment by TV interviewer Barbara Walters (now aged 85) after he asks her for a date on her show. The Luv-man beats the rap by pleading insanity. One Last Gasp. Dan Rather publishes documents showing that he disclosed CIA Agent Valerie Plame’s identity in early 2002 – well before any alleged involvement by Scooter Libby, Bob Woodward, or others being investigated by Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Within days of Mr. Rather’s sensational claim, investigative bloggers debunk the documents as forgeries. Gasp (II). To avoid charges for obstructing justice, Mr. Rather agrees to undergo psychiatric examination. He is found a few ounces short of a full quart and remanded for treatment at a New York mental hospital. There he becomes famous as Document Dan. He writes several best-selling novels dealing with political journalism. Mad as Heck. The New York Times editorial staff demonstrates in Lafayette Park, across from the White House, after Mr. Bush rejects the World Court summons. They hold up signs saying “Hurricane George”, “Sign, you swine”, and “Bush vacationed while people died”. On condition of anonymity, a member of the Times Board of Directors reveals that the editorial staff held daily strategy meetings on how to stop George Bush, whom they considered a neo-Hitler. The director claims the editors “were completely round the bend on Bush. They smashed the furniture after the World Court gambit failed.” Remember the Alamo . After President Bush signs new border security legislation, Mexican Presidente Vicente Fox organizes and personally leads 10,000 Mexican would-be border crossers in a frontal assault on a border-checkpoint near Juarez, Mexico. American border guards repulse the mob with rubber bullets. Mr. Fox suffers only bruises from the non-lethal projectiles. He later calls the incident a “Second Alamo”. Oh, Pancho . Senators Robert Byrd, Harry Reid, and Charles Schumer begin an acting career in a TV political drama series called “The New York Amigos”. NYC police arrest Senator Schumer when they mistake him for an escaped mobster called Lavender Louie who liked to affect foppish garb and bizarre wigs. Broken Dreams. Senator Hillary Clinton sues Touchstone TV for not casting her as Mackenzie Allen in the television series “Commander in Chief”. (Actress Geena Davis was chosen for the ground-breaking role as a female vice president who is elevated when the president dies.) Mud in Your Eye. Senator Clinton orders the U. S. House of Representatives to impeach the entire Ninth District Court after they reject her casting suit. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert – a former wrestling coach – challenges Senator Clinton to a mud-wrestling contest to determine whether the House will pursue impeachment of the justices. Claiming an old (anti-) war injury, the senator backs out of the match at the last minute. Cleansing the Temple. Brandishing a whip of extra-thick spaghetti noodles and shouting imprecations about “girly men”, enraged Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger drives the California legislature from their chambers and into the avenue surrounding the capital in Sacramento. Delegates and senators are filmed fleeing from the governator’s noodle-whipping. Surrounded. Following his pasta rampage, Mr. Schwarzenegger barricades himself in his mansion for an 83-day siege. He repeatedly shouts, “come and get me, copper” and lines from his films, from an upstairs window. Police finally abandon the standoff when the governor refuses to sign legislation authorizing police overtime pay. Get the Hook. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginzburg resigns her seat to join a New Jersey burlesque tour, which promised her $1 million a year in the role of “top banana”. She later sues to withdraw her Court resignation after learning that the burlesque’s managers had planned a somewhat different role for her. The Supreme Court refuses to hear her case, and President Bush nominates actor Bill Cosby to the Court. He is confirmed, 97-0, by the Senate. Who Do You Think I Think I am? Claiming to be Napoleon Bonaparte re-incarnated, North Korean “Dear Leader” Kim Jong Il attacks Russia with an army of 570,000 men. The Dear Leader is captured after most of his soldiers surrender to Russian forces as soon as they leave North Korea. Most of them remain in Russia or migrate to the west after their release. From his cell, Mr. Il sends out for pizza and Blockbuster rentals between broadcasts in which he calls on all Koreans and Frenchmen to unite behind him to fulfill their destiny. (Some 5,000 Frenchmen actually respond, but they end up in North Dakota because of a language difficulty.) Come Home, America. Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean tells American soldiers serving in Iraq to desert and call DNC headquarters for carfare to get home. Consequently, twenty-five U. S. representatives, five senators, and three state governors – all military veterans – change their affiliation to Republican, giving the GOP a filibuster-proof Senate majority. Missing Breakfast. Investigative reporters curious about the long public absence of Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Senator John Kerry – she had not been seen since December 2004 – discover that she is being held incommunicado in an upstairs room at Democratic offices in Kansas City. Reached for comment, Senator Kerry says, “That Teresa – always off on a new adventure. I wondered why she hadn’t been down to breakfast lately…” Turncoat. Senator Ted Kennedy’s personal wealth is revealed to be $25 million in Turncoat, a book written by a former Kennedy aide. The aide says Mr. Kenndy’s class-warfare, soak-the-rich rhetoric was a complete sham, as he voted for nearly all of the Reagan and Bush tax cuts. “Those cuts probably saved him at least $1 million over the years,” said the former aide. “His posturing on ‘the rich’ was just fodder for Bay State Bubbas who thought the senator was ‘one of them’.” Despite being ignored by the New York Times literary critics, the book becomes a best-seller.
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