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ATLANTIC HIGHLANDS HERALD |
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OUTRAGEOUS PREDICTIONS The New Year is a time for resolutions and predictions, so I thought some predictions of what I wish would happen (or think ought to happen) were called for. Here, in no particular order, are a few along those lines. Emigrants. Actress Whoopi Goldberg and Actor Alec Baldwin emigrate to Canada to escape the “tyrannical reign of George W. Bush”. Two weeks later they are deported for making “obscene remarks” in public about the Canadian health care system, after Miss Goldberg’s appointment for treating a sore throat is scheduled eight months hence. HK goes Hollywood. Impatient with being tied to a “loser”, Teresa Heinz Kerry – outspoken billionaire wife of 2004 presidential candidate John F. Kerry – divorces the senator and begins a tempestuous affair with controversial film-maker Michael Moore. The 67-year-old heiress moves to Hollywood, purchases a Beverly Hills mansion, and consults with Mr. Moore on production of his new film, “Saint Teresa” – a biographical drama of Mrs. Kerry’s life. (Actress Sharon Stone plays the title role.) The blockbuster release is nominated for eight academy awards, including best picture, best actress, best special effects, and best fictional-docudrama. Dangerous Persons. In New Jersey, a first-grade girl is arrested in her classroom by an armed SWAT team and hauled off in irons for the crime of pointing her finger, pistol-like, at a classmate and making explosive noises. Her teacher cites a school policy prohibiting “dangerous and provocative behavior” as justification for calling police. Parents of the girl sue school and town officials for false arrest and child abuse, asking $100 million in damages. “A finger is not a lethal weapon,” says her father. Peace Ambassador. Former President Bill Clinton launches a world peace tour planned to cover 75 nations around the world. He is kidnapped by Amazons in Brazil and never heard from again. Conflict of Interest (1). Two members of the Massachusetts Supreme Court who voted to legalize gay marriage reveal that they are actually transvestites when they apply for a marriage license in Lexington, MA. Academy Awards Scandal. The 78th Academy Awards gala, scheduled for February 28, 2006, is cancelled in the wake of sensational disclosures that bribes were paid to academy officials to buy their votes for the Michael Moore film about Teresa Heinz Kerry. It is revealed that individual bribes of $5 million, plus 72 virgins, were accepted by at least 5 academy officials. The scandal will occur between the announcement of the nominations and the actual award ceremony. Conflict of Interest (2). The lead attorney on the ACLU’s project to purge all Christian references from the nation’s public life admits to being a warlock in a Wiccan coven in North Carolina. The revelation comes after he is charged with assault for casting a spell on the opposing attorney in a lawsuit to remove Christmas trees from North Carolina schools. Hitting the Big Time. The Rev. Al Sharpton is elected Pope by the Vatican College of Cardinals, after Pope John Paul II dies in mid-year. The Rev. Jesse Jackson – also an aspirant for the position – protests the election in the Ecclesiastical World Court. Although Mr. Jackson wins his case, the Vatican ignores the verdict. His Holiness’s acceptance speech lasts five hours. Don’t Count Him Out. Former President Jimmy Carter files a lawsuit with the US Supreme Court, asking for a recount of the 1980 presidential election. In an exclusive interview with CBS News, Mr. Carter displays documents that he says implicate Mr. Reagan in vote-buying that produced his “narrow” victory. (Mr. Reagan defeated Mr. Carter by 8.5 million votes and won 489 of 538 electoral votes.) Internet bloggers subsequently prove that the documents are clumsy forgeries produced on 1990s-era word processing equipment. Yo comprendo España. Al Gore begins a two-year program of Spanish-immersion as an immigrant worker in southern California as preparation for another run at the presidency in 2008. On several occasions he hurls random phrases from his Spanish book at an abusive foreman. (Where is the pen of my aunt?! I demand more towels in my room! The bath is cold! etc.) Speaking of Documents… Dan Rather, former CBS News Anchor, becomes Director of the Document Creation Division of We Want In – a national support organization for illegal immigrants. A spokesman for WWI cites Mr. Rather’s “document expertise” as his prime qualification for the job. Rough Sport. Fifteen members of ABC’s Monday Night Football broadcast crew are injured – none seriously – when a wild melee erupts in the broadcast booth during a game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Washington Redskins. The incident occurs when one announcer accuses another, on the air, of taking illegal steroids to make his voice deeper. All the News That causes a Fit… Al Franken signs a contract worth $1 billion a year to replace Dan Rather as CBS News Anchor. His first paycheck bounces after polls show that CBS News has only 200 viewers, nationwide. CBS declares bankruptcy after Franken sues for payment of his contract. CBS then fires Franken for violating CBS’s mandatory arbitration agreement. O Come all ye Faithful… In a desperate attempt to connect with voters on faith, the National Democratic Party requires Party leaders in every state to declare a religion and begin attending services. The Unitarian Church’s national membership subsequently doubles when 62% of Party leaders become Unitarians. Another 18% become Black Muslims. She’s packin’. In a move to align herself with conservative firearm owners, Senator Hillary Clinton begins wearing leather and carrying a brace of ivory-handled 44s on the floor of the Senate. While showing off, she drops one pistol which discharges and wounds her in the ankle. Green, green… President George W. Bush is arrested by environmental police when he chops down a tree at Camp David during a session of recreational brush-clearing with his staff. He posts bond and later pays a $1000 fine. Hizzoner Returns. Claiming that only he can bring the nation together, former DC mayor Marion Barry announces formation of a new Freedom Party (with Himself as Leader), demands recall of George W. Bush, and campaigns for special new elections in November 2005.
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