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ATLANTIC HIGHLANDS HERALD |
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KERRY CAMPAIGN CRIES FOUL - BLAMES ZARINDI FOR DEFEAT Kerry campaign officials have accused the nefarious political operative Zarindi of instigating dirty tricks that they believe caused Mr. Kerry’s defeat in the November 2 election. The legendary operative stands accused of a long string of political actions, going back to the Clinton administration and possibly even earlier (1). Some international officials even blame Zarindi for the ubiquitous “Kilroy was here” graffiti that has been spotted in obscure places, world-wide, since at least 1864. Despite determined international pursuit, Zarindi has never been apprehended or even (knowingly) photographed. Democrats charge that Zarindi worked for the other side during 2004, as they saw evidence of the sneaky trickster’s work in failures of their campaign. As recently as July, during the Democratic Party convention in Boston, Zarindi was accused of having ruined the Kerry “invisibility strategy”. This was the Kerry handlers’ plan to limit candidate’s visibility to voters. Early in the primaries, campaign officials discovered that Mr. Kerry’s approval numbers went up when he stayed out of sight, but went down when he had heavy media exposure. Thus, Party officials planned to run Mr. Kerry as a kind of “distant Wunderkind” – out there, just over the horizon, ready to ride in and save the country, but mostly unknown. The strategy actually had Mr. Kerry missing his own convention and hiding out in France until after the election. The plan was working until Zarindi contrived to blow Mr. Kerry’s cover and put him on the convention stage. After Mr. Kerry made some unguarded impromptu remarks to the delegates, his approval numbers plummeted. Democrat strategists blame Zarindi for ruining their surefire winning strategy. They claim he acted as a GOP agent. But the Bush camp denied hiring Zarindi – suggesting, instead, that he was working for the Clintons. Another dirty trick supposedly engineered by Zarindi during the campaign endgame was his proposal of the so-called “chad” strategy – inspired by the Florida controversy after the 2000 election. (Working as a Kerry campaign advisor, Zarindi was reportedly disguised as an aging hippie of uncertain gender, wearing a gray wig, granny glasses, and shapeless dress.) The chad-plan called for hundreds of thousands of chads – i.e., the small bits of card-stock material which result from punching a computer card – to be scattered all over precinct election headquarters in key battleground states on election night. Democrats then planned to sue those election officials for improper handling of the punched-card ballots. Foreign election observers were expected to call for new elections, throwing the ballot-counting into turmoil. The strategy self-destructed, however, when the chad-strewing was attempted primarily in precincts which no longer used punched cards. In several cases, operatives who scattered the chads were apprehended by police who forced the miscreants to clean up the littered election offices. Some of the captured agents were also recognized as Democratic Party workers. This caused much embarrassment and diverted Party resources at a critical time. It was later revealed that hundreds of Democratic campaign workers had been employed to produce the needed chads. This turned out to be no small project, since punch-cards, punch-machines and chads are no longer commonly available. Weeks of effort were thus expended in this failed attempt to disrupt the post-election ballot-counting. The Fahrenheit 9/11 strategy was also suspected of being a classic Zarindi trick after it was disclosed that Michael Moore – who had never actually been seen in public prior to the 2004 presidential campaign – is actually a nerdy-looking man who stands 6’3” and weighs only 110 pounds. The real Michael Moore was found in a Mexican hashish den, where he was holed up from last December until just after the election. Thus, the bizarre, corpulent man who released the controversial anti-Bush film, made outrageous public comments about the 9/11 attack, claimed he had donated millions of dollars to defeat Mr. Bush, and sat in Jimmy Carter’s box at the Democratic Convention, appears to be an imposter. (Kerry campaign officials now believe he was actually Zarindi.) The Fahrenheit 9/11 film is widely thought by pundits to have actually helped Mr. Bush and hurt Mr. Kerry. When finally reached for comment, the real Michael Moore – now drying out at a celebrity detox facility – said he had intended Fahrenheit 9/11 to be an environmental exposé of the global warming caused by the September 11 terrorist attacks. He disavowed any interest in the campaign or any pretensions as a Democratic weenie. He also denied knowing the man who impersonated him throughout most of 2004. Authorities have not yet located the imposter. Possibly the most damaging of Zarindi’s campaign-2004 dirty tricks – or so it has been charged – was the fiasco of the Kerry campaign’s “religion” strategy. The strategy was two-pronged. The first prong called for The Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to visit black churches and warn members of the dire consequences that would result – including probable re-imposition of slavery – if George W. Bush should be re-elected. This part of the religion strategy proceeded mostly as planned, albeit to skeptical reviews from the African-American community. Even the most timid members of black churches found The Rev. Sharpton’s rattling of chains and shackles to be a little over the top. (One sharp-eyed deacon noted that the shackles seemed to be made in Singapore and intended for “recreational use”.) The Revs’ calls for a wagon-and-mule train march on Washington, DC, also failed to excite much interest among African-Americans. One deacon observed that there simply weren’t enough mules or wagons available to make such a trip. “A convoy of Cadillacs and Mercedes won’t have the same impact,” he noted. “Besides, how would our church ladies watch ‘ General Hospital’?” A more complex part of the Kerry religion strategy involved secret negotiations with the Vatican with the objective of having Mr. Kerry appointed Cardinal and Archbishop of Boston just before the election. An alternative plan called for Mr. Kerry’s beatification (i.e., elevation to sainthood) in late October. Plan B would have been more problematic, of course, since Canon law stipulates that saints must be dead. (An unnamed spokesman for the Barzini family in New York was quoted as saying this detail would be “no problem”.) This prong of the Kerry religion offensive also seemed to be moving ahead, greased by Democratic Party promises that Mr. Kerry would designate Catholicism as the official religion of the “Red” states, by Executive Order, after he took office. (The idea was compared to Lincoln’s freeing all slaves held in the Confederacy, in 1863.) Some Democratic Party officials foresaw difficulties with the plan, however, since the Catholic Church opposes several key issues supported by Democrats – namely, abortion on demand and gay marriage. Other party operatives argued that gaining power was the first priority, saying “…details can be worked out after we have the presidency”. (Inquiries as to the role of Teresa Heinz Kerry in a Kerry Cardinality received no official response.) But the Archbishop Kerry October Bombshell was defused when Internet “bloggers” learned that Mr. Kerry had omitted crucial details about his service as an “altar boy” – a Catholic bona fide he had often mentioned. Unnamed sources disclosed that Mr. Kerry was actually discharged from the altar boy cadre at age 12 after he was caught filching the communion wine. Word of these allegations caused Vatican officials to halt the cardinality proceedings at once. In an official statement from the Holy See, a Vatican spokesman noted that the charges, if true, would automatically disqualify Mr. Kerry from the office. ‘He should have nipped anything else – even the collection,’ said an unnamed Vatican official. ‘But sneaking the wine is infame – molto peccaminoso. Do you know how much that stuff costs?’ Unhappy Kerry campaign officials – deeply dejected over the wreckage of what they considered a foolproof election strategy for their candidate – held Zarindi responsible for leaking the damaging allegations to the “blogosphere”. ‘Every Catholic would have voted for the first sitting Cardinal to run for the presidency of the United States,’ said one official who asked not to be named. ‘He would have won, going away.’ Mr. Kerry’s defeat has intensified demands for Zarindi’s capture. Democratic Party officials are in full cry after the dastardly trickster. ‘When we find that guy, we’re gonna crucify him,’ said one raspy-voiced Democrat. ‘Maybe Gibson can make a new film about it…’ According to unconfirmed rumors, Zarindi has taken refuge in a Tibetan monastery, high in the Himalayas, where he is said to be teaching classes in yoga, harmonic ohming, and transcendental political activism. At this writing, Zarindi remains At Large. *****
“The Vegetable Conspiracy”, 29 January 2004. “Ladies of Fashion”, 6 May 2004. “Blowing the Candidate’s Cover”, 5 August 2004. (http://www.ahherald.com/atlarge/)
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